Tending Grief in Community
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Their last trip together, May 2019, Martha’s Vineyard
Lizae and Bing live in the hills of Oakland, California. We held the first Center for Babaylan Studies (CFBS) gathering at their home in 2009, creating for us a template of how to build a beloved decolonizing community. She gathered her musician friends, encouraged those of us, who had never performed publicly before, to read a poem, to chant, to take up an instrument. I still remember a shy and young Kriya who was gently coaxed into singing Ugoy ng Duyan. I sang a Kapampangan chant taught to me by Mike, a young Kapampangan culture bearer. Lizae played her harp while Frances mesmerized us with her dance. The beautiful Camille did a Maranao dance and was accompanied on the Kulintang by Daniel Giray, Patrick Tamayo and Jason Jong. In other words, Lizae mentored us in ritual-making with a reverence of approach that I had not seen before. Every corner of her home -- from the entryway to the bathrooms, the living room and the garden -- was marked with a flower, a herbal bouquet, a beautiful textile or scarf. When people arrived they knew they were entering a sacred space. This is the way Lizae tended to her sacred calling to heal.
“In the last months of Bing’s illness, Lizae invited us to accompany them both in this journey of death and dying. ”
At many CFBS retreats, Lizae brought her harp along and bathed us with healing sounds as we quieted our minds and calmed our restless bodies. She brought her tea set and served us lavender chamomile tea. She brought her collection of sea shells, candles, mats, twigs and scarves to create an altar to help us ground our gathering. Before the beginning of each conference, Lizae cleared the space while praying and setting good intentions. She shared, in dance and poetry, what was taught to her by her Subanen relatives and adopted Maranao family in Mindanao and by Babaylan Apo Reyna Yolanda.
In the last months of Bing’s illness, Lizae invited us to accompany them both in this journey of death and dying. We set up group chats and took turns supporting them with a meal train and home visits. Our dear Penny of Cafe Gabriella in Oakland cooked many of those meals. Lisa gifted them with sound healing sessions. Marnelle came to offer massages; Karen offered acupuncture; Mark offered energy healing sessions. Joanna brought healing oils. Christina, who didn’t know Lizae and Bing personally, visited when she saw my post on FB and asked how she might offer her support. My Facebook post was rather ambiguous, but Christina, who works in senior care, wanted to help. Jo and Camille coordinated the scheduling of 24-hour presence after Bing was sent home from the hospital and began hospice care. Mila traveled all the way from New Mexico and Raina, Lizae’s sister from Connecticut, stayed for a week. A childhood friend of Bing came every day to sit with him in silence.
When Bing could muster strength, he sat in the living room and received visitors. He wanted to give thanks to everyone who came -- his Buddhist community, his business buddies, the CfBS community. One late afternoon, he wanted to sit on the balcony to watch the sunset and as we sat with him; he requested that we sing Silent Night; that was in early October. We did, and Mila was so inspired by his request that she kept singing -- O Holy Night and then Jingle Bells -- to which Bing then said, “OK, that’s enough!” We laughed with him. Later that night he invited us again to sing him a good-bye song, and we sang Ugoy ng Duyan. Naughty Mila couldn’t help herself, and we started singing the goodbye song from the Sound of Music...so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen….
In the living room, Lizae built a shrine for Bing. By this time, her eight-foot-long embroidery tapestry was complete and was the center of the shrine. Around were flowers, candles, polished stones, books, and mats for sitting meditation. Nearby was a table of all kinds of teas and refreshments brought in by friends. Always, there was storytelling, tears, laughter and good food.
Shrine for Bing
On the night that Bing died, Tony was visiting and he had brought his guitar. So as Bing’s body was being prepared, Lizae on her harp, Tony on his guitar, Agos’ loving presence, Marnelle’s overall supportive presence marked this holiest of moments. Friends continued to keep vigil with Lizae and her son, Johann, and step-daughter, Tanya, for many more weeks after.
As we began this journey with Lizae, I thought of hiring a death doula. Searching online for doula services -- what they can and cannot do, how much they charge per hour -- made me realize that our Filipino community was already doing doula services. We are natural birth and death doulas. We know how to take care of each other. In sickness and in health. In grief and sorrow.
I am grateful to Lizae and Bing for teaching our community how to love one another; how to take care of each other. In the diaspora, so many of us do not have close family and relatives nearby. So we tend to our community life with these acts of KAPWA -- of kindness, generosity, affection, hospitality. The gift of story, music, food, laughter, healing touch, sound healing; the gift of listening, of radical presence; of humility -- all of these taught us many lessons in the midst of Grief.
Bing is gone from us in his body. But his Spirit is always near. Lizae’s heart aches and she misses Bing so much...and every day she rises, goes for long walks, listens for Bing’s whisper in the Wind. At the Temple of Remembrance in Sonoma County, we wrote our prayers and hung them with the thousands of other prayers seeking Peace, Love, Joy.
Leny Strobel
Leny Mendoza Strobel is soon-to-retire Professor of American Multicultural Studies at Sonoma State U. She plans to hang out at Tone Studio to study the Sutras with Monica and do yoga and pilates.
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