Opinion: Dinuguan à la Duterte
/The opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of this publication.
Davaoeños bending over backwards, preparing this difficult native dish.
Traditionally, dinuguan is an blood stew made from offal, intestinal parts and other entrails of pig or swine. It is also, like its name, quite an unattractive dish, very much like a blood sausage. As such, it is an acquired taste.
Ingredients:
Two pounds of very coarsely ground pork offal, gristle and all
12 bungbung beetles – rare, so-called "friendship” beetles. The insects celebrate a special “friendship” between president Duterte and the Marcos family. Even though Duterte had professed that he would be beholden to no special interests, Duterte nonetheless has made no bones about cozying up to the family of the disgraced ex-President. These rare beetles are picked best from a certain mausoleum in Batac, Ilocos Norte. Make sure the bungbung beetles are dead before tossing into the recipe.
30 De Lima beans; in place of 30 pieces of silver. Pick the special Leila variety when they are fresh; they pack a pungent punch! If De Lima beans are not available, substitute 30 Lumayas Kayo sili labuyos.
Steve Harvey / Miss Universe onions. Were it not for the infernal meddling of Mr. Know-It-All over a matter he knows nothing about, Miss Universe 2017 would have happily found a home in the pageant-crazy Philippines. But they’ve probably searched for a new, less controversial hosting. One can’t cry over spilled onions.
2 pints of freshly spilled blood; type B+. No need for strained or transfused kind.
Throw all of the above ingredients into a dirty cooking pot and cook over an open flame.
Steam and stew for about two hours; or until the stew is overdone. Don’t forget to intone and invoke the troubled spirits of the past by exclaiming “putang ina” over the cooking pot at least one dozen times.
For added zest afterwards, sprinkle liberally with Russian roulette peppers. In his great and infinite wisdom, the Great Leader plans to align his country with the Great Bear of the North as a counterbalance to the old, reliable relationship with Uncle Sam.
Except of course, the dimly lit Duterte has forgotten that (1) Russia is on the verge of bankruptcy due to the economic sanctions imposed by the west for Russian land-grabbing in the Crimea; and (2) most recently, the Russian Olympic track & field team was banned at the Rio 2016 Olympics; and its Paralympic team was completely banned also both in Rio and at the upcoming Winter Olympic Games in PyeongChang, South Korea, 2018—due to wholesale drug cheating. Now, you were saying about your sweeping drug-cleansing edicts, Comrade Duterte??
When done, lay the stew out on freshly pulled LGBT banana leaves and start chomping away.
Stuff one’s face with this weird concoction. For best results, consume with at least one stiff Bloody Mary drink in either hand.
Of course, all of this is joking only, huh! Bottoms up!!
Myles A. Garcia is a correspondent and regular contributor to www.positivelyfilipino.com. He is also the author of two books: Secrets of the Olympic Ceremonies, and most recently, Thirty Years Later . . . Catching Up with the Marcos-Era Crimes. His first play, Dear Domenica, is undergoing developmental readings.
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