Nalintikan Na! When Fhit Hits the San
/Book Review: I Was the President’s Mistress!! The Celebrity Tell-All Memoir by Miguel Syjuco (New York: Farrar. Strauss and Giroux, 2022, 377 pp.).
That dirt comes all out in Syjuco's second novel, I Was the President's Mistress!!, consisting of transcripts of writer "Miguel Syjuco's" interviews with Vita as she looks back at her life and the men in it, starting with the thuggish ex-boxer with a wristband fetish, Fernando Valdes Estregan. Visibly hurt when Estregan abandons her in the name of national security, Vita exacts her revenge by seeking sanctuary at the home of journalist-friend Furio Almondo. She shares with her intellectual partner and, yes, ex-lover, the "little digital recording" of her trysts with Nando, and their conversations about people in the President's circle. Furio's exposés reinvigorate the impeachment trial of Estregan that is championed vigorously by his opponents, Senators Nuredin Bangsamoro (another ex-lover) and Lucy Lontok.
Author Miguel Syjuco
Vita agrees to be interviewed on the condition that she and "Meng" co-author a book of the same title -- "with two exclamation points (“coz one's too little; three's too much"). And the transcripts do not disappoint.
Vita's opening reflections (Transcript 1) give you an idea of where this hilariously witty novel will be taking us. To wit: "I know you're wondering – yes, it's true: his birdie is thick as he's always saying, but as a thumb is to a finger and hard to find beneath the paunch and hair that make a nest for it to rest on its two eggs -- or repose if metaphor's more politically correct re: the pitutoys of power men…At attention it resembled a speechifying Mussolini, like in the photos of the biographies the President left in my CR...Between two fingers I'd make little FVE march, and dance, and sing the national anthem – falsetto, vibrato – and peck it on the head, declaring: Viva il Duce!"
But before you condemn Vita for just being a vulgar, illiterate querida, do a second read of what she tells "Syjuco." You will notice words (metaphors), phrases (politically correct; Viva il Duce!), and a sense of history (speechifying Mussolini). Later in the novel, she muses about "the museum of everyday life," learns French, talks politics and poetry with her techie lover Deepak, and reads the Koran to better understand Senator Nur. She recalls going through "the maze of endless books" at the Arneo de Manille Université and discussing Dostoevsky and E.E. Cummings with her mentor Furio ("He collects banned books, and I devoured them, loving the forbidden and challenging my own beliefs"). This bawdy, politically ambitious B-movie glamazon got intellectual game!
The novel includes transcripts of "Syjuco's" interviews with Estregan and the other pitutoys who agree to give their side of their relationship with Vita. These pitutoys are true to their character – from the basagulero Nando, the grandiose Bangsamoro, the glutton Gov. Rolex, the "creepy gentlemanyak" Bishop Bacchante, the burgis onanist Cat Salvador IV, and the overprotective sexually-confused Tsinoy "One-Mig" Sontua. The only lover who recognizes her innate intelligence is Furio, while Vita finds One-Mig the most considerate.
Of course, the character that catches the eye is Nando, a composite of Presidents Ferdinand Marcos, Sr. (Ilocano?), Fidel Ramos (cigar), Erap Estrada (the wristband), Manny Pacquiao (the pambansang kamao), Rodrigo Duterte (I will kill you!), and Gloria Arroyo ("Hello Rolly? Will I win one hundred percent in your province?"). Just how deftly author Miguel Syjuco makes chop-suey of these presidents can be seen in this excerpt of Nando's rant:
"Son of a whore, the Lord is my shepherd, and all this I shall fix…six months, promise…to one year…time is of the elements…I am a simple man only, simply keeping my promises…You sure you don't care for cigar? Cuban… world's best, sent by my fan Raúl. We can smoke here inside…but if I catch you outside I will make you eat it there…Do not doubt me, I always mean what I say… except when I am joking…Go, prove me a liar, I will resign…I swear, on my presidential oath, I will stand from this desk and walk from this palace back to Korpus Kristi…jet ski between islands…Son of a whore, I am sick and tired of all the naysayers who do nothing but say nay. Let them impeach…I will never cower… I'm no squealing, limp-wristed bading…."
“Syjuco, the author, tells us, especially us Pinoys, “Hoy, there is more! We are not done yet, and I have no idea what will follow next. You figure it out!””
As the novel moves forward, Vita's intellectual depth takes a more dominant role over her libidinous side (she keeps her nickname "Sissypuss"). Finally, Nando calls for a snap election to prevent the impeachment from moving forward, and Nur and Vita team up against Farrah Estregan and Governor Rolex for the presidency. As we near the end of the transcripts, Vita has become more political, surging ahead of everyone until she is the only one standing: the new presidential candidate of the Liberty Party, replacing Nur, who is forced out by a series of exposés, sexual and familial.
In the penultimate chapter, Vita tells us about Loy, her childhood friend whom she willingly joined as he escaped his uncle's killers, to whom she lost her virginity and who left her pregnant in search of the fabled katas ng Saudi. She had an abortion, was kicked out of her room in a pension house, and worked as a masahista, before being discovered by a promoter. Her life changed after that. The end transcript is Loy's turn to tell his story, from falling in love with Vita to their escape to Manila to the series of failures in the Middle East. Finally, he comes home and plots the assassination of Nando, purportedly to save Vita, only to fail and await death. Unless Vita wins the presidency. Then the explosion on the stage happens.
There are ten blank pages before the acknowledgments at the end of the book. Was Vita killed in the explosion? Wounded? Syjuco leaves Vita's and the pitutoys' stories open-ended. There is another, perhaps a final recording that has not been transcribed. Whose voice can it be? Vita’s? "Miguel Syjuco’s"? The author’s? If it is Vita’s, then we will know that she survives the explosion, becomes President, and is the good leader she promised her people she would be. If it’s Vita's co-author "Miguel Syjuco’s," what will he say? Will he be willing to interview himself? Surely it will not be our author’s: the beauty of this novel is that Miguel Syjuco keeps a safe distance from his characters; he lets them play their games.
Two things are certain, though: what happens next will surely be a shudder after that hell of a roller-coaster ride, starting with One-Mig's MAGA-Nanotard rambling tirade (non-stop from pages 326 to 330!), followed by a brief adrenaline rush with Vita committing herself to win the presidency, only to end with Loy's gloomy outlook.
The other is that Syjuco, the author, tells us, especially us Pinoys, "Hoy, there is more! We are not done yet, and I have no idea what will follow next. You figure it out!" This is not the passive "abangan ang sunod na kabanata (wait for the next episode)" that we Pinoys are used to. It is a kabanata where Syjuco expects us to be active participants in its transcribing.
In a 2014 forum at Harvard University, Miguel Syjuco described himself as a collector of stories, writing them down, organizing, and reorganizing them until they form a coherent and realistic portrait of the tragedy that is Philippine politics. This is what I Was the President's Mistress!! is all about.
So, if you are still flabbergasted or confused about what happened back home last May 9, then this novel is for you.
If you want to know how much our institutions, like the once-venerated Senate, have regressed into a circus of apple knockers, led by kamag-anak (relatives), pugilists, cop killers, media hacks, washed-up movie stars, and Dutertian handymen, then this novel is definitely for you.
Patricio N. Abinales teaches at the Department of Asian Studies, University of Hawaii-Manoa
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