Life and Debt (of Gratitude)
/Over the last decade, the notion of utang or debt has been something I’ve explored as a journalist.
While I tell stories for a living, I'm a notoriously private person when it comes to telling my own story.
However, seeing the power of stories and how they can influence and shape others' way of viewing something or making decisions, I felt it was time to share my own deeply personal story of debt and my relationship to utang na loob (debt of gratitude) as a Filipino American.
This is my journey in redefining utang na loob and debt.
Journey in Vulnerability
This journey in vulnerability started when I was at CNN in 2015. There was a call for pitches for millennials and their money. The editors at the business unit at the time didn’t want the typical stories everyone was reporting at the time that gave millennials a bad rap as entitled and spoiled when it came to managing finances.
When I heard that, I knew I had a story that was the total opposite of the narrative. So I pitched what eventually became this story: A Millennial, a mom and a mortgage: Ties that bind which was published on July 5, 2015.
What started as a story about how I became a homeowner at age 25 was a journey in exploring what was buried deep inside until I typed out the words to my story. Prior to the publication of this story, only a few close friends and family knew the background. It’s not a story that would come up in casual conversations.
How do you bring up the reason you’re paying a mortgage is because your estranged father came back for his house he never paid a dime for?
How do you talk about how your father utters the words you will never forget the rest of your life? “If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be here?” - The ultimate utang na loob.
I really didn’t know what to expect after the story was published. I had doubts up until it went live that, would anyone really be able to relate to this? It’s so personal.
The author (right) and her mother (Photo courtesy of Leezel Tanglao)
The Tanglao home (Photo courtesy of Leezel Tanglao)
The feedback I received after it was published was staggering. I heard from so many readers who told me their own story of debt and utang na loob from fellow Filipino Americans and Filipinos throughout the diaspora and other communities of color.
I had plans to do a follow up but I never got to it as life and work completely took over in the weeks to follow.. But this story would continue to haunt me for years to come.
Blood Debts
This story of my utang na loob was revived after I left CNN following a major company restructuring in 2018 and had to figure out what’s next.
I never forgot the impact of telling this story not only on the community, but also on myself.
Thanks to programs like The Thread at Yale, NY Media Center Podcast Program (Podkins) and the Filipino Young Leaders Program (FYLPRO), I continued to pull this thread with the launch of my legacy project series, Blood Debts.
Over the course of a year and a half, I interviewed more than 60 Filipinos throughout the diaspora about what debt and utang na loob means to them.
I released the first season in fall of 2020. You can listen to season 1 here: https://www.blooddebts.com/
With the renewed interest in utang after NPR’s Malaka Gharib featured my mortgage story in a recent episode of Code Switch: The Utang Clan, I’m planning on returning to releasing more episodes in the coming months.
It’s humbling and gratifying to see these raw and authentic conversations around how utang has impacted people’s lives and decisions happening among intergenerational spaces.
It’s the whole reason why telling these stories in an open and transparent way is so important to foster our sense of kapwa (fellowship).
Redefining Debt and Utang
Two years into this global pandemic, COVID-19 has impacted the way we address everything in life - in particular, mental health and other difficult conversations we have with each other and ourselves.
But it’s clear that something that came out of this pandemic is spaces to have these conversations and challenge the conventional.
Last week, Positively Filipino offered just that.
In the webinar, “Utang na Loob: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - How utang na loob (debt of gratitude) can cause inner conflicts and at the same time create connections,” I was joined by professors E.J.R. David and Kevin Nadal, whom I both interviewed for my Blood Debts series and will be appearing in upcoming episodes.
In this hour long discussion, what struck me was challenging the notion of what utang and debt really means.
Can we as Filipinos and Filipino Americans can apply the same definition of “debt” to the Filipino value of “utang na loob?”
Somehow, after this conversation, debt doesn’t seem to fully capture what utang na loob really means.
David and Nadal both mentioned how utang na loob intersects with other values such as kapwa, which are inherently core to the Filipino.
While utang na loob can often be seen as negative as something you owe from the western definition of debt, it is also positive -- where it speaks to our relationship and connectedness to others.
A value like utang na loob should be seen holistically in conjunction with the human experience, it can be both bringing trauma but also joy -- the difference is how you choose to respond and recognize the situation.
In this continuing journey of vulnerability, utang na loob occupies many spaces at the same time.
To only view from the binary lens - good and bad -- is not seeing it for what it is, a value that connects us all to each other and to ourselves.
Leezel Tanglao is a bridge journalist at the intersection of editorial, product, business development and sales. She is currently the Director of Audience Insights and Innovation for The Points Guy.
